everyone dies famous in a small town...

i've almost thanksgiving. my favorite holiday! ahh i love sitting around a big dinner table and listening to peoples stories with the smell of pumpkin in the air and fresh pot of mema's coffee....ok before i add on to this story i think it's time for some confessions....well, i mean obviously it's been awhile since i've blogged. i guess the main reason is because i feel what i have to say is boring, but thanks to my friend tswift, i'm learning that it's okay to speak your mind if you do it with love. i guess another confession is that i haven't had anything to write about, mainly because i feel that i used up all my joys for writing on one person, who ended up letting me down (yeah, that story is for a different day, sorry this isn't the pioneer woman's blog haha). so here goes, i'm back in the saddle, well for now. we'll see how long this creative ride last.

i'm really excited about going home. i've said it before and i'll say it again, there's just something special about going home after being gone for awhile. i'm just so ready to kick this city life and be on my farm! where i can walk outside naked if i want to and nobody would see me. well obviously now because of facebook the whole town of sheridan knows my plan now! ha. anyway, the more i'm in the city, the more i feel that it's hardened my soul. probably because i miss seeing the night stars and having fresh air to breathe. oh and being surrounded by the nosiest creatures in the world, aka cows. i feel that people can learn a lot about life from cows. i know, you're probably thinking "who is this crazy cow girl?!?" but you should give a cow a chance and you'll see what i'm talking about. i'm trying really hard to love living in the city and i know that i spent the first 18 years of my life wanting to run away from small town america, but i'm beginning to get it. i'm beginning to understand why people who live in a small town have a hard time leaving it.

this world is big and broken, we think that a place or a job can fix the brokenness that consumes us. we try everything to get a quick fix, but the truth is that at the end of the day whatever our weapon is, we are still left feeling empty. i feel that our face can get so lost in a city. people from a distance think that they get you, they think that they understand what you're going through/dealing with, but they are just see whats on the surface. they see what they want to see and make impressions in their head about who we are, but it's all fake. in a small town, you can't hide your face, people somehow know things about you that you don't even know about yourself. small town people may gossip about you, but it all comes out in the wash. it's a place where you can act a fool and people still love you, even when you are so messed up! i guess it's because in a small town you are understood because people take the time to get to know you. okay okay, i'm off my soapbox! i think the country song is true, everyone dies famous in a small town..

Morning

"Order my footsteps by Thy Word,

And make my heart sincere;

Let sin have no dominion, Lord,

But keep my conscience clear"

it's been awhile

so it's been awhile since i've blogged. i wish that i had some crazy exciting adventure to tell you about. i like how i say you as if anyone actually reads this. i have no earthly clue as to who actually reads this blog, but i'm okay with that. well for the past month i've been living life. i'm trying to find a job, but i'm came to the realization that it is out of my control. i guess the biggest battle that i'm fighting right now involves the issue of control. i had a hard time sometimes to just let things happen as they should. i don't know if that makes sense, but i guess just go with it. i've been to 3 different interviews and now i'm just waiting. the more i wait the more i feel as if it was a bad date. i think that's what job hunting is like, it's like dating. you get all dressed up and look super cute. you try to think of how you're going to introduce yourself and what you're going to say, when the truth is you're just going to stumble over your words. then there is the waiting period where you think "did they like me?" "why aren't they calling me back?" blah blah blah. i'm so over it! i just hate all these interviewers playing hard to get. i know that they are just players, making you believe that you are the only one they are interested in when they have the cougars waiting in line behind you. i see how it is! i'm not going to take it anymore. i'm not the playing type. i know what i want, i just wish they wanted me back. oh well, someday!!!

something to think about

http://faithinmemphis.com/2011/05/02/thank-god-for-undeserved-mercies/

we we we so exciting....seriously? why?

so it's 4:30 in the morning and i'm wide awake. i have no earthly clue as to why? maybe it's because i keep having nightmares about that stupid rebecca black song "friday," it's on repeat in my head. i know, sooo unfortunate right?

last night my roommate and i got mexican with our friend, then went to watch the grizzlies game. ahh it was such a heartbreaker! well i had this revelation ...i was driving and we were blaring mumford & sons "awake my soul" (yep, still obsessed). we were clapping and singing at the top of our lungs like our life's depended on it! in this moment i realized just how thankful i was to be at this place in my life.

the place where i'm single, about to graduate, and have no earthly clue as to where my life is going come saturday . it's this place that causes my mind to wake up at 4 in the morning, just to mull things over. i think that times like these are good for a person, they make you realize you're not in control of ANYTHING. as much as we try to plan out our perfect life's, the Lord's plan always is there to trump it. i think that is a comforting thing to know, that the Lord of the universe has you in the exact place He wants you because that place where it's single, dating, married, working, being a mom is glorifying Him the most.

as for me, i'm thankful that...i can live with my best friends, make target runs because we're bored, rent chick-flicks from red box, cry in our driveway, go to chick-fil-a and order a kids meal with ice cream, go on walks to talk about life, and drive around blaring really good music.

Hope in God

Hope in God

awake my soul

i've been in love with mumford & sons since last spring when my father, yes father, introduced them to me. i've been waiting to hear them in concert since that day and that day has finally come! they played last night at music fest and let me tell you, i'm now obsessed!

so music fest is a time in memphis when bands from ever genre play down by the river. it was my first time to experience music fest and probably will be my last. don't get me wrong. i love people and i love music, but when you are being drown by sweaty smelly drunk people you begin to see that the two don't really mix.

so there i was, sandwiched between high schoolers and old people trying to be young, gnats swarming over my head, then they start to play! i have no words to describe the talent of these young men. as they played i forgot i was standing in mud, surrounded by annoying people. they are just so amazing. as i was listening to the band i just couldn't help but think how a person can heard such talent and still fail to believe in God? i just don't think that you can hear such beauty and think that our race just happened by chance? it just blows my mind.

things i'm going to tell my daughter

or some random girl if i don't have a daughter

1. a woman never reveals her age. you simple say "well i know because that's what my mother tells me..."

2. always wear sunscreen, you don't want to look like your mother when you don't have to look like your mother

3. always carry a book. it makes you look smart and gives you something to do after you have exhausted the internet

4. never chop of your hair. you'll think it's a good idea at the time, but that feeling will pass and you'll have to wait a year for it to grow.

5. don't let snail mail die.

to be continued...

having fun isn't hard when you have a library card!

so yesterday i got my first ever LIBRARY CARD! now i'm back at the library "studying." oh i just love libraries! so many books, so many different people, and adventures. it's like at airport without the smell of stale air and cinnabons. such a perfect way to spend a cloudy april day!

CHRIST IS RISEN

It's Easter and this song is the perfect song for this perfect day. Just listen to the words proclaimed in this song.



No life circumstance is too much for Christ to handle for "those who are well have NO need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but SINNERS." mark 2:17... He came to redeem our brokenness "For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. by sending his OWN SOn in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit." romans 8:3-4. He knows your heart "You know when I sit down and when I rise up' you discern my thoughts from afar." psalm 139: 2....He yet He loves you the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

the farmer's daughter

ok so i mean it's pretty obvious that i'm the farmer's daughter, hopefully. well i've been thinking (which probably is never a good thing) about my life on the farm. i'd be lying if i didn't say i missed it. now i'm fixin to finish college with plans of living in the city. someone told me last night that they couldn't believe that i was staying in the city because i seem to love the country so much. i know sometimes i think it's pretty crazy myself and i feel that when my parents come down here in a couple weeks they are going to pack up my life and take me home!

back to my roots.

back to the place where you can walk outside naked and not a soul would care (not that i'd know).

the place where the summer time is full of neighbors coming to find answers.

where you're greeted with the smell of new mown hay and the reaction of the cows when they know it's hay seasons. they freak out like kids in a candy shop.


where people think that all farmers love cats therefore drop off their unwanteds off at our door and you can't help but love them. especially when they wait at the end of the driveway for you to come home.


where as a kid everyday is an adventure and you can ride your horse into the sunset and pretend that you are pocahontas saving the world.

where cows aren't just creatures but friends.


where everyday is a struggle and you question why am i doing this? when did i every think it was a good idea to work the land and dedicate my whole life to it? it definitely wasn't for the money.

where every farmer has a basketball goal because all their kids dream of breaking free of small town america life.

where the night sky looks all a birthday cake with a 1000 candles.

the place you can wear boots and not get looked at.

you can be a girl and sweat and spit. and sure your mother is going to yell at you but sometimes a girl can't help it.


where you drive tractors for hours, plowing fields to create new life as you mediate on the brokenness of your own.

where girls are raised driving around in the pick-up truck with their dads, hoping that he'll stop at the gas station and buy you a tasty treat when knowing that mom is making dinner.

where your summers are made up of farmer tanners and crazy nights with people that you've known your whole life.

where sundays are filled with church music, family, and home cookin.

i catch myself listening to country music these days. i honestly hate the stuff, but for some odd reason it draws me in. probably because it brings me back to that time in life when i'd walk out into our pasture and dream of breaking free of that life, that town. i wanted nothing more than to run and never look back, find myself a cowboy and live on a ranch in texas. well i tried to run, but the world brought me back. then i left it again and now i'm here. the armpit of america. part of me wants to go back, but it's not time. i'm not done running yet.

waitt

so where did april go? i graduate in 16 days (or 17, depending if the grizzlies win). madness. i'm just ready to be done so i can move on with life. i'm still waiting to hear back from jobs. i'm beginning to think that God made me a Waitt for a reason. i know that everything is going to work out, it always does. i have a little inspiration from my dear friend corrie ten boom...."there are no "ifs" in God's kingdom. His timing is perfect. His will is our hiding place. Lord Jesus, keep me in Your will! don't let me go mad by poking about outside it." so good!!

bookworm

it's a beautiful day and i really don't know what to do with this time. i have my backpacking class in a hour and i'm tired of working on my resumes so here i am. last night we finished our first book club book. oh my...it was so so good!!! if you haven't read the hiding place by corrie ten boom i highly recommend it. it's a woman's story as she faithful endures a concentration camp during WWII. i'm so excited to see what comes of our little book club, i think it's the start of something wonderful!

so it begins

well i'm fixin to write my story. i'd say it's going to be a little like tswift meets adele meets pw meets e. elliot. get ready, it's going to happen.

things i'll never get over

over sized sunglasses!!! just love how when you put them on they make you feel like a movie star


my love for auburn


the icing on cupcakes


hydrangeas.


my best friend in the morning

cowboy boots or boots, they go with everything!


the man of my dreams!!

(pictures via

http://blog.branca.com/page/15/ , http://www.giverslog.com/?p=1494

http://manolobrides.com/2009/11/10/the-boots-were-made-for-walking/ , http://chrisrrau.wordpress.com/2011/02/25/sambien-guest-blogger-the-15-best-movie-monologues-ever/

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNaHK7vlzpxpX-NoF8KD-FcgAzOhyphenhyphenrAqSivzCmxKW1-jjOpUg20frzNOmQatjLuGekIuVMHvz1mjdpqHRSgp8WrYLPrV0-t90mjBdUcz5oPeT1qRL_NBJ_eN7NMkXi9Aa1vkcuhUkRoYU/s1600/cupcake-decorator-frosting-pastry-tips-429x429.jpg)

someone like you

i was driving home yesterday from indiana. 8 hours, alone, in a car....too long. i was listening to adele and this song called "someone like you" was playing. i'm so in love with it. i feel that she took all the pain, sorrow, bitterness, hurt that has been growing in my heart over this past year and put it into this song. it's so amazing how she can take such a deep, painful story and make it sound so beautiful.... i feel that i've come to a point in my life where i just don't feel the pain anymore. i don't know if that makes sense. i don't want to say too much because who knows who actually reads this blog. probably some creeper in idaho for all i know. but anyway, this song has been in my head since yesterday and today i was faced with the character of this story. i saw him in the corner of my eye and it took everything in me to not run away. i wanted to run because i didn't want to have to act like i had myself all together. i've spend the last who knows how long praying that God would piece me back together. and i understand that the Lord only gives us as much as we can handle, but i don't understand what He's trying to tell me through these random encounters? anyway, i couldn't run because he called out my name. i turned and walked toward him. i feel that the only thing that held me together in that moment, that encounter, was the Holy Spirit. i don't remember what was said, but i remember that i couldn't look him in the eyes. i didn't want to because i knew that it would break me. i better stop here, too much has been said.

how deep the Fathers love for us

lately i've been convicted how broken i am and how deep the Fathers love is. it's hard to believe and have faith that all our sins are forgiven. that the Father doesn't see the filth that consumes me. i guess the Fathers love for His people has really been on my heart because of the things that i've witnessed in my clinical this semester. most of the patients i care for are: untouchables, cast aways, unwanteds. it's really sad to look in these patient's eyes and see the brokenness that plagues their soul! there is one patient that has been their for months. she is so sick by the brokenness of her past that i really don't think she's going to recover. the other day i walked in the room and she looked like she had been crying. i asked her if everything was okay? she said she was feeling depressed and needed her depression medicine. i gave her a hug because that's all that i knew to do and of coarse she starts crying. i got her medicine for her, but i really thought that she needed a dose of the gospel.

this whole semester has really revealed to me the depth of sin. like on spring break i was watching the movie blood diamond and my mom was like "how can you watch that? it's sooo violent!!" i was like, " i know, but that is the world we live in!" i feel that we sometimes put ourselves in a box. a box where the only things that matters to us are the things that we are dealing with. it's like the world revolves around us. i mean if you think about it, who is the only person that we never get tired of hearing from???? ourselves. it's really sad that sin distorts our mind into thinking that. i just got done listening to a sermon kind of about this. it was about doubting the Fathers love....

we think that the Father can't possible love us for all the sin that we have caused. for all the brokenness, for our addictions, for our past. but He does!!!

"wake yourself, wake yourself, stand up, O Jerusalem, you who have drunk from the hand of the Lord the cup of his wrath, who have drunk to the dregs the bowl, the cup of staggering. there is NONE to guide her among all the sons she has borne' there is none to take her by the hand among all the sons she had brought up. these two things have happened to you- who will console you?- devastation and destruction, famine and sword; who will comfort you? your sons have fainted' they lie at the head of every street like an antelope in a net; they are full of the wrath of the Lord, the rebuke of your God. therefore hear this, you who are afflicted, who are drunk, but not with wine; thus says your Lord, the Lord, your God who pleads the cause of His people: "BEHOLD, I HAVE TAKEN FROM YOUR HAND THE CUP OF STAGGERING; THE BOWL OF MY WRATH YOU SHALL DRINK NO MORE; And I PUT IT INTO THE HAND OF YOUR TORMENTORS, WHO HAVE SAID TO YOU, "BOW DOWN, THAT WE MAY PASS OVER," AND HAVE MADE YOUR BACK LIKE THE GROUND AND LIKE THE STREET OR THEM TO PASS OVER." isaiah 51: 17-23

"knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot." 1 peter 1:18

"in this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins." 1 john 4:10

it's crazy to imagine that kind of love. i mean, we judge our neighbors and our friends, gossip about their sin, our hearts are hardened, we are unforgiving, sinful people. i mean how can we truly call ourselves christians if our hearts aren't consumed with love for all people. Jesus forgave us for all our sins, so why can't we look to our brother and sisters in Christ and love them for the broken person that they are?? something to think about...

jesus loves you

so i'm recovering from my 12 hour clinical. when this semester started, i was so annoyed and anger that i was going to be at this hospital. my friend brown informed me that God has me at this hospital for a reason. haha what do you say to that??? well i just finished week 3 and i have to agree with her. God's hand is ever present in this clinical, from the way my nurse treats me to the patients. i feel that the Lord is trying to open my eyes to the suffering of His people. i feel myself always thinking my problems, my suffering is so much greater then those around me. i want so bad for the Lord to answer my prayers, my heart's desire, of coarse this is all in vain because i'm basically telling God that i know more than Him. i know that the Lord will's things to happen and His timing is perfect, it's just so hard to remember that in the moment. most of the patient's i've dealt with come from a long line of brokenness. they are deeply wounded by broken relationships, addictions, etc. it just breaks my heart!! i feel so convicted to share the gospel with them. like the other day one of my patient's was crying that no one loved her, she was going on and on. i wanted so bad to scream, "Jesus does!!!" i know that i'm just a student nurse and i'm not in the place to share the gospel, but i pray that the Lord would continue to give me strength and courage to care for these people.

"whatever the Lord pleases, He does, in heaven and on earth, in the seas and all deeps." ps 135:6

"let not your hearts be trouble. believe in God; believe also in me....I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU AS ORPHANS; I WILL COME TO YOU. yet a little while and the world will see me no more, but you will see me. because I live, you also will live." john 14:1; 18-19

"for the LOVE of CHRIST controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and He died for all that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised." 2 cor 5:14-15

"for we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempts as we are, yet without sin." heb 4:15

wounds

so i'm getting ready to go to bed because i have my first 12 hour clinical tomorrow. oh joy!! i was reading in my journal and thinking about life and i decided to write. i guess i haven't been in the writing mood lately because i've been frustrated with life and the lack of direction that seems to be surrounding me. my dad sent me a text this morning about the passage where Jesus tells the disciples "ye of little faith!!" he said the term "hang in there comes from Jesus hanging on the cross." i mean who knows if that's right, but it cut me deep. i feel that i store so much into things/ideas/plans/people of this world and God's like "no, not going to happen.." i mean, i understand that we have to know what hunger feels like to know when to eat, but i feel that i've been starving the past 4 years and i'm just so over it. i know that i'm just being a brat. i was just looking at some sermon notes from last year....the sermon was on wounds and jacob. how GOd had to wound jacob in order to draw him to Him!! i feel that i've just been wrestling God the past 4 years, wanting so badly to go my own way. to have things work out the way that i want them to. i know that it's all in sin, i'm human, broken, weak, what in the world can i do on my own?? i wish that was easy to just accept. that it didn't have to hurt to feel scars that the wounds of this world leave on us. oh how i hate sine!!!! at the end of that sermon about jacob, the preacher said "where God wounds use the deepest He uses us the most." i believe it, but i hate waiting.

what's on my mind

1. gilmore girls!! pretty obsessed. now that i have a life, i still don't have a life. i really hate nursing school, it took all the fun out of me. anyway, i'm on the last season of gil and i'm totally a logan fan! i mean how can you not be in love with his rich boy charm.


2. snood=my favorite fashion trend



3. i hate running... i have 11.5 months to fall in love with running, but it's going to be a long road. i ran or i should say jogged 12 minutes today. yes i said minutes. i thought that i was going to die!

4. serendipity....don't you just hate when things happen and you want so hard to read GOd's mind and know what's going to happen.

1-1-11

Happy New Years!!! I still can't believe that we are starting a new decade! I have to admit that I've pretty excited about this year/decade! For starters, I'm finally graduating college! The long and bumpy journey is about to end and I have no clue where I'm going to be. Only time will tell!

Ok so like any New Years, I guess I should list my resolutions...

1. Become a runner......ha yeah I totally HATE running, but I what to run a half-marathon so it's going to happen

2. Become a RN... hopefully

3. Pursue new friendships

4. Learn how to play the guitar

5. Touch my toes....I've never been able too.

6. Learn a new language

7. Stop chasing things

yeah that's all I have for now